Food and mood

Well I have to report that my IF experiment didn't go too well. If anything, it has fuelled my food anxieties and started pushing me backwards into the realm of ana. So here I am, over 30 days later struggling to regain sanity. It didn't help me reach my goals and improve my health, it made me obsess all over again.

The whole point of this blog was to prove that I'm bigger than this, I can let go of all my food fears and reach a place where I'm happy with who I am and well enough to deal with life's hurdles, not go diving for cover in the safety of an eating disorder!

So I've taken positive steps towards a complete about-face. I've been seeing my naturopath and she's got me on B12, 5-HTP, cod liver oil, chromium, glutamine, zinc and magnesium to help with my anxiety, insomnia and depression which seem to be working... thank goodness. I feel like I'm constantly popping pills! But I'll do anything to feel better. She's also got me on a muscle building diet (so I can lose fat and tone up easier) eating 3 meals a day plus snacks to help me regulate my hormones, which will help my anxieties and moods. NO SUGAR (arrrgh it's killing me), no grains or alcohol for the time being... at least until I start sleeping and feeling better. Here's a sample of my daily diet mostly protein and veggies:

Brekky: 2 whole eggs (scrambled) and tomato or eggplant
Snack: Handful of nuts
Lunch: Fish and big salad
Snack: Handful of nuts
Dinner: A Protein and steamed or stir-fried veggies
Dessert: Baked apple with natural yogurt or cream

I was VERY SURPRISED I haven't gained eating this way and it's triple the calories I was eating! At first it felt like a lot of food but I'm getting used to eating more, I'm trying so hard not to be negative about food and weight. I've stopped weighing myself because my naturopath does body fat analysis with a special machine, so as long as I see muscle mass go up and fat mass go down, I'll be happy. At the moment I'm 22% fat which is under optimal by 2kgs, but the worst part is I'm under on muscle mass by 4kgs!!! Gotta fix that or I'll end up weak, sick and with osteoporosis!

My next visit is in a couple of weeks so I'll fill you in on how things go, I'm really trying hard not to stress out about this, treating myself gently. I'm barely able to just get through each day right now! I still want to lose weight but I can't risk my health anymore. I'm hoping I can reach my goals in a wholesome way. As long as I get somewhere close to my weight when I was 20 (around 56kg), even if I never reach my goal weight, I want to be able to accept myself the way I am.

That's only about 7kg total, quite doable. If things don't change soon though, I'll go crazy! It's a fat loss diet I'm on, that has worked for hundreds of people of all ages, so I'm confident if I keep with it SOMETHING will change. I hate being ruled by food and obsessing about every single thing that goes in my mouth. I hate having a one track mind, like there's nothing else in the world to think about! I'm not creative, I'm bitchy, I'm anxious, depressed, an emotional wreck that can't cope with life... that is NOT ME!

So, fingers crossed... hope everyone out there is doing better than me and achieving their health and fitness goals. If you have any advice or encouragement it would be much appreciated.