Anxiety, food and mood

Image courtesy Feedage.com

Coming from an eating disordered background, sometimes I get anxious about food. No, make that MOST of the time I'm anxious about food. Food, weight, my body image, the way others perceive me, how I measure up in my looks, personal life and work. I'm constantly feeling inadequate, weak-willed and inferior.

Interestingly, I recently did a diagram of the way I was feeling and contributing factors. I was feeling sad and unworthy and the reasons that came out of my head had a lot to do with how I feel other people rated my looks. For some reason I equate being 'thin and attractive' with being 'successful, popular, accepted and worthy of friendship'.

This is NOT a normal conclusion. In my childhood when Mum was in one of her 'happy and high' cycles (she suffered from bi-polar disorder) she would buy lots of clothes rapidly lose weight and entertain lots of friends in a whirlwind of social activity. She was mad and happy, popular and exciting. When she plummeted to incredible lows, she would gain weight, stay in bed for weeks or months, see no one and tell me she wanted to die. That was a big factor that helped shape my views about myself and how I feel about the way I look. Another factor could have been the social circles I was in as a teen and young adult. At least three of my friends openly discussed their eating disorders and dieting habits and tips. Then there was the 'popular' girls. Older than me, trendier and much, much skinnier. They were the 'cool' ideal that I was usually excluded from that I constantly wished to be. If only I could be thinner, they would like me more. If I was thinner they might want to talk to me or tell me about their new boyfriends.

For reasons unknown to me, I have carried these unreasonable ideals around like old suitcases my whole life. When my husband says "You really like Such-and-such, she's a big girl, do you think you wouldn't be friends with her if she got any fatter? Do you think if she lost weight you'd like her more?" I can see weight has nothing to do with it. I KNOW that my friends couldn't care less if I was 10kgs lighter or heavier!

That being said, my diet over the last six months has done wonders for my mood. When I don't eat I get anxious, moody, paranoid, I sink back into my comfortable quagmire of depression. Not-eating feeds my anxiety, my body needs food to regulate my hormones which in turn, regulate my moods. It's like a vicious cycle of self destruction. So I've been eating three meals a day plus some snacks and I feel so much better. More able to cope with day to day stresses and problems. I've cut out sugar and alcohol altogether (except for the occasional party or anniversary) and cut coffee down to one or less a day.

Here's a sample of my daily menu:
Breakfast - 2 free range eggs scrambled with parsley and a grilled tomato or eggplant
Snack – handful of almonds or a piece of cheese
Lunch – fish and salad
Snack – handful of almonds or a piece of cheese
Dinner - protein and steamed or stir-fried veggies or salad (protein will usually be eggs or tempeh)
Dessert - a baked apple with cream or natural Greek yoghurt (my one fruit and only sugar fix! mmm)

It is helping me so much to feel stable and NORMAL again. On advice from my Naturopath, I'm also supplementing with cod liver oil, B2, magnesium and Coenzyme Q10. Has anyone else discovered better moods through regular meals and lower carbohydrate intake? I'd love to hear what worked for you.

Emotional Freedom Technique

Photo courtesy Rita Thompson

Robyn (my naturopath) is always telling me to use the 'Emotional Freedom Technique' or EFT to help with my anxiety. The problem is I am a sceptical neurotic. She taught me how to practice it myself, at home, whenever I'm feeling anxious, worried or tempted. It's also called tapping. The site all about it is here. (You can download a free manual and watch a video to learn more about it.)

When she first showed me how to do it I had come to her in tears, angry at myself for gaining/not losing weight, feeling suicidal and hopeless. We did a tapping session and she had me measure my anxiety about gaining weight and my fear of eating on a scale of 1 to 10. I said my anxiety was a 20!! When we finished she asked me again, I rated it at and 8 out of 10. Again and it was down to 4. We kept tapping until all my fears had gone and I felt calm and in control.

I couldn't believe how much it helped. EFT makes you feel VERY silly, at first I couldn't stop giggling as I was imitating her tapping... but then I started listening to the things I was saying and realised I could let my fears go. It went something like this: "Even though... the thought of eating makes me feel out of control and guilty, and I'm afraid I'm going to get fat, and I feel like I need to hang on to my eating habits to have some kind of sanity, and I feel like I let myself down by eating, and if I stop these rituals I won't know what to do.... I accept and love myself." Then I'd exhale a really deep breath and relax. It was SO HARD to say those last words when everything inside me was screaming "NO YOU DON'T! YOU'RE A WASTE OF SPACE! A FAILURE! YOU HATE YOURSELF!" After about 5 or 6 repeats, I started saying the last phrase with some conviction. The fears I had been worrying about were what was making me fail and hate myself.

I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm going to start doing it daily. Every time Robyn calls and asks me if I've been doing it at home, I say "No, I just feel stupid" or "Oh, I forgot" or "It seems like a waste of time". (She puts up with a lot from me.) But looking back, it really did help me let go of my anxiety about eating. Actually, on that day I went home and ate lunch and dinner and started to nourish myself with real foods again. The day before all I had eaten was a diet coke. The week before I had eaten an average of 500 calories a day (I know because I kept journal upon journal of food intake, calories and exercise). After that breakthrough, I stopped my obsessive calorie counting, threw all of my diaries away and put the scales in the garage. I ate again.

Despite my initial misgivings, I'm going to ignore the sceptic inside with the loud voice jeering and caterwauling and start doing EFT myself. I'm going to focus on my exercise with EFT. We've been managing to do weights 3 times a week and I've been doing a walk/run about 2 or 3 times a week for 45mins. What's holding me back from doing more cardio? Laziness. I can't get out of bed (it's lovely and warm, the covers are so snuggly... just a few more minutes...)! Also my fear of getting sweaty and dirty. So I'm tapping on those things this week and I'll see if I can manage to step up the exercise a bit more. All I want is a little more intensity and a little more frequency, I don't want to overtrain, but I do want to get fitter, stronger and gain some serous Beyoncé Butt!

Has anyone heard of this technique? What are your experiences? Has it helped you to overcome an emotional hurdle?

Body For Life 12 Week Challenge

I thought it was appropriate to post an old school weight lifter chick, Rachel McLish, Ms Olympia 1980 herself, because I have decided I need to get back to basics. What a role model!

I'm ditching the Warrior Diet for a Body-for-Life type plan. Although I HAVE increased my muscle percentage, my body fat has only changed minimally. I enjoyed the freedom that comes from eating one meal a day, but wanted better results than I was getting. As I progress, I might go back to it, I think there's some very good science behind it. That's the problem I guess... there is reasonable science behind A LOT of different diet plans, that is why most people are hopelessly confused! Also, I'm afraid it is slowly wearing away at my resolve NOT to go back to my disordered eating. My attitude towards food of late has been less than stellar, and I was finding myself restricting again in an effort to speed up my fat loss. BAD IDEA, I know. *sighs* I really don't want to go down that self destructive path again, so I'm turning around now, while I can still see the forest, so to speak!

Based on Skwigg's great results (I've been a secret fan of hers for a long time) I've bit the bullet and committed myself to a 12 week Body for Life Challenge. That means lots of small meals, with emphasis on protein and workouts 6 days a week, 3 weights sessions, 3 cardio. There's a cheat day every week and a sleep in too. (Ahhh.... bed. I love my bed.) I'm not sticking to the BFL plan exactly, I'll use it as a rough guideline with most of my nutrition coming from whole foods rather than protein bars, shakes and products. I'll use a shake or two here and there but not every second meal! The whey protein I use is cold filtered and plain, with no flavours or sweeteners, mixed with water.

Unfortunately, because I'm from Australia, I can't actually enter the comp. So, I thought I might enter this one instead. Not quite the same prize pool (pity, the extra cash would have come in handy :)), but it is the same length and gives me something to work towards, a tangible goal. Besides, it's not about the money, it's about how I feel, setting and achieving goals, self esteem and discipline. I have never in my LIFE been able to get up out of bed at 6:30am! Not that I didn't want to or that I had no alarm, the reasons to get up just weren't good enough and my bed is so cozy and warm.... Ah, no, I'm NOT a morning person! So even if I can achieve THAT, this attempt will have been worth it.

I printed out a diary with every day for the next 12 weeks, workout plans, meal plans, actual meals, milestones and measurement goals. I've also taken some before shots and stuck them on the fridge with the date. As I complete each month, I'm going to take a new photo and stick it up there alongside the original. So motivating! I've outlawed banned substances such as biscuits and there is a strict edict that will be enforced regarding chocolate consumption and location. I've set alarms and reminders on my phone until DECEMBER (I've TRULY lost it this time), 6:30am wake up call for my morning workout, 10:30am snack, 12:30pm lunch, 3:30pm snack. They've only just been set today and already they were helpful, I got busy at work and almost forgot to have the mid afternoon mini meal! Whoops!

So Day 1, so far, so good! I'm feeling very motivated now I've committed to this plan. Anyone else out there doing it? Let me know!

Meal 1: 2 egg (free range) omlette with chopped tomato, spanish onion, feta, coffee
Meal 2: Protein shake, apple, water
Meal 3: 2 tandoori chicken legs, 1 cup of fruit (pineapple, strawberries), water
Meal 4: 1 cup of beef and vegetable curry, herbal tea, water
Meal 5: Steak, steamed carrots, roast beetroot, roast onion and tomato gravy, diet coke (slaps wrist)
Meal 6: Protein, piece of fruit, herbal tea

Today's exercise: 6:30am 45min pilates session, 6:30pm 45 min weight training - arms

Day 2 here I come! Yawn, got to go to bed, early start tomorrow. For once! haha

Food and mood

Well I have to report that my IF experiment didn't go too well. If anything, it has fuelled my food anxieties and started pushing me backwards into the realm of ana. So here I am, over 30 days later struggling to regain sanity. It didn't help me reach my goals and improve my health, it made me obsess all over again.

The whole point of this blog was to prove that I'm bigger than this, I can let go of all my food fears and reach a place where I'm happy with who I am and well enough to deal with life's hurdles, not go diving for cover in the safety of an eating disorder!

So I've taken positive steps towards a complete about-face. I've been seeing my naturopath and she's got me on B12, 5-HTP, cod liver oil, chromium, glutamine, zinc and magnesium to help with my anxiety, insomnia and depression which seem to be working... thank goodness. I feel like I'm constantly popping pills! But I'll do anything to feel better. She's also got me on a muscle building diet (so I can lose fat and tone up easier) eating 3 meals a day plus snacks to help me regulate my hormones, which will help my anxieties and moods. NO SUGAR (arrrgh it's killing me), no grains or alcohol for the time being... at least until I start sleeping and feeling better. Here's a sample of my daily diet mostly protein and veggies:

Brekky: 2 whole eggs (scrambled) and tomato or eggplant
Snack: Handful of nuts
Lunch: Fish and big salad
Snack: Handful of nuts
Dinner: A Protein and steamed or stir-fried veggies
Dessert: Baked apple with natural yogurt or cream

I was VERY SURPRISED I haven't gained eating this way and it's triple the calories I was eating! At first it felt like a lot of food but I'm getting used to eating more, I'm trying so hard not to be negative about food and weight. I've stopped weighing myself because my naturopath does body fat analysis with a special machine, so as long as I see muscle mass go up and fat mass go down, I'll be happy. At the moment I'm 22% fat which is under optimal by 2kgs, but the worst part is I'm under on muscle mass by 4kgs!!! Gotta fix that or I'll end up weak, sick and with osteoporosis!

My next visit is in a couple of weeks so I'll fill you in on how things go, I'm really trying hard not to stress out about this, treating myself gently. I'm barely able to just get through each day right now! I still want to lose weight but I can't risk my health anymore. I'm hoping I can reach my goals in a wholesome way. As long as I get somewhere close to my weight when I was 20 (around 56kg), even if I never reach my goal weight, I want to be able to accept myself the way I am.

That's only about 7kg total, quite doable. If things don't change soon though, I'll go crazy! It's a fat loss diet I'm on, that has worked for hundreds of people of all ages, so I'm confident if I keep with it SOMETHING will change. I hate being ruled by food and obsessing about every single thing that goes in my mouth. I hate having a one track mind, like there's nothing else in the world to think about! I'm not creative, I'm bitchy, I'm anxious, depressed, an emotional wreck that can't cope with life... that is NOT ME!

So, fingers crossed... hope everyone out there is doing better than me and achieving their health and fitness goals. If you have any advice or encouragement it would be much appreciated.

Pro-Ana Fairytale

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a healthy young girl who lived a perfectly happy life.

One day, while walking through the forest of glossies she spied a magazine. This magazine was a special magazine. It told her magical secrets. It told her that she could become the most beautiful princess in the land. Inside its pages shone a magic apple.

This apple was called "The Apple of Perfection". It was shiny and delicious, it made you stare. Crunchy, sweet and tempting, the girl took the apple to discover it's secrets and become a beautiful princess.

Little did she know, the apple was cursed. "Whomever shall eat The Apple of Perfection and seek to become a princess shall suffer a thousand years of torment. They shall be cursed with the burden of unworthiness, the horror of the scale and the dagger of hunger. Every flaw will be magnified to such an extent that only the flaws will remain. Few are the ones strong enough to break the curse, for they must seek the chalice of contentment, which lies beyond the valley of self-hatred."

Slowly the girl changed. Where once was a healthy glow, now was a veil of pallor. Where there was vitality only bones protruded.

Lost in a fog of darkness and despair, a light suddenly flashed forth!

"Young girl! Why are you crying?"

"Because I am mud. I am nothing."

"Hush! You must now listen. You are loved. You are more than your outward appearance. Look inside yourself and see the girl you once were. You are a good person."

The girl opened her eyes. She saw the ravages of The Apple. She remembered how long ago she would run on the sand of the beach and laugh over coffee with friends. Where was that girl now? Who was this shadow of herself that remained?

Standing up she lit a torch. Placing the burning ember on the mountains of media entombing her she cried...

"No more! Never will I believe in The Apple again! I was born as I am, nothing can change that! From this day forward I vow to be content with what I was given. A strong body that will serve me well all the years of my life. A focused mind that can overcome the most insurmountable obstacles. A face that can smile, laugh and tell my story. I am me."

As the flames roared behind her, finally the girl began to smile.